Hi everyone, and welcome to my third blog post! Today, I’m diving into something that’s been weighing on my mind for a while. I’m approaching my 30s, and honestly, I’m not content with life. I’m trying to unpick why, and I wonder if any of you are grappling with similar feelings.
The Unraveling of a Dream
Back in 2020, my life in Australia felt like it was finally taking shape. I was studying, planning to live and work there, and even embarking on my first relationship. Everything was going so well until COVID-19 hit. Suddenly, my studies were on hold, and I had to return to Singapore, forcing my new relationship into a long-distance one. Sadly, it didn’t last, leaving me feeling incredibly alone.
University had its ups and downs, but before the pandemic, I truly felt things were looking up. Yet, after COVID, I was sucked back into a familiar, heavy feeling. Despite my best efforts, I’ve struggled to find contentment ever since. I feel like I should be happy, but there’s this persistent missing piece, and I just can’t pinpoint what it is.
My final year of university was spent remotely from my family home in Singapore. My relationship with my family has always been a work in progress, so returning to that environment wasn’t easy. I truly struggled to find happiness. I know some might think, “Oh, she sounds like a princess, can’t handle challenges.” But in my mind, I’ve genuinely tried everything.
Dating in Two Worlds
After the long-distance relationship ended, I ventured into dating apps. And here’s the thing: I’m just not a fan of dating Singaporean guys. I don’t think we’re a match. I’ve never had a good experience, and I constantly feel like an outsider here, like I don’t belong. Perhaps it’s because I’m Indian, a minority here.
In Australia, the dynamic was completely different. I was often seen as “exotic.” Most people assumed I was from India, which isn’t the case, but the perception was different. People seemed more receptive to dating an Indian girl. They looked beyond my ethnicity, seeing qualities like my humor or my laid-back nature. Despite some dates not going as planned, largely because many Australian guys can be emotionally unavailable, I generally had fun.
It was in Australia that I met my first boyfriend at 23. Our relationship felt fun, though it was early days. Even then, a part of me felt I wasn’t good enough for him to continue the relationship. Ultimately, my decision to part ways was rooted in my family’s strong religious and cultural background; I knew they wouldn’t approve of me dating outside our culture.
Back in Singapore, I tried dating a local guy, but that, too, ended for similar religious reasons. Then I met my now-husband. We share the same religion, but not the same language. He’s very cultural, which my family appreciates. Still, combining our worlds has presented its own set of challenges. I come from a city lifestyle with a progressive mindset, and I’ve found some Indian men hold rather regressive views on how women should be. While my husband is certainly more progressive than others, there are still aspects I find challenging.
Seeking Connection, Finding Solitude
Sometimes, I feel lost, wondering if I’m asking too much from people – not just partners, but friends and family too. I question if I’m enough for anyone. I’ve always longed for a strong bond with my parents. We have a civil relationship now, but we’re not close and often don’t see eye-to-eye, which I suppose is normal for parents. Their divorce also weighed heavily on me; I love being with family and community, and that sense of belonging felt lost when they separated. Moving overseas for studies became a great distraction, a way to build my own life.
When it comes to friends, I’ve realized that friendships evolve. That “Sex and the City” ideal of four women always making time for each other, sharing their lives and ambitions – it’s so motivating, but I haven’t found that, to be honest. My close friendships are slowly dwindling. As people get married, lives get busier with jobs, in-laws, and other responsibilities. I often try to initiate meetups, but I’ve reached a point where I don’t want to beg for someone’s time. If it happens, it happens. If not, I value my own time too much to wait for months.
Perhaps this mindset is why I tend to be more alone. Initially, I quite liked it; I had all the free time in the world to do whatever I wanted, watch shows, and spend time with my dog, who I got a year ago. Honestly, having a dog is like having a child, so that keeps me very occupied. Work often takes over, which I don’t enjoy. I love reading, and I’m proud to have read two books recently, though I’ve fallen off pace since switching jobs. I need to get back into that rhythm to avoid feeling so dreadful about my life.
With my husband, we do spend time together, but miscommunication and tension often arise from our differing values. I cherish quality time, but he’s very sociable, and I’m the opposite. I’m quite conservative with my energy, reserving it for certain people. So, when he makes plans on our shared day off, I get disappointed. I tend to get angry and wonder, “Is it too much to ask for?” We live together, but our time after work often amounts to just dinner and sleep. It’s not the same.
Sometimes, I wonder if it’s a “me problem”—not being able to occupy my own time. But perhaps not everyone shares my idea of fun. I’m a homebody, and while I like going out, Singapore’s weather can be unbearable. I enjoy connecting with people I genuinely vibe with, like my husband’s colleagues or family. I don’t think I have trouble socializing; I’m just selective, and I prefer to keep my private life private. Maybe I’m just not meeting the right people, or perhaps I’m not approachable. So many questions swirl in my mind.
A Reminder to Myself
Ultimately, I think I need to learn to be kinder to myself and more adaptable, especially when I’m alone, which is often. I want to be okay with that. So, to wrap up this post, I have to remind myself that being alone is perfectly alright as long as I can live with it. And it’s fine if I haven’t found my “tribe” yet; there are still many years ahead to meet new people, and patience is key. The right people, those meant to be in my life, will eventually appear.
I hope this topic resonated with some of you. Let me know if you’d like to hear more. Goodbye for now!
Jothi’s blog 
Leave a comment